And She Remembered

She had been up since 5am, running around the house to make it just so. The windows were washed, the counters clean, the floors shined and the picture frames dusted. She started dinner around 3 o’clock in the afternoon after all of her chores were done; a nice big roast with beans, cornbread and greens.

It was close to 6pm now and her husband would be home from work soon. She hated the days that he was away and had been asking for him to spend more time at home now that they were older. He could have retired three years ago, but he loved the work he was doing. She didn’t have the heart to really ask for him to give that up. Besides, she liked being able to take care of him when he came home after a long day in the office. He had stopped working at the grocery store years ago and now he spent his time working at the church. The pay wasn’t as good, but you could see on his face how much more he enjoyed what he did there.

It had been eight years since he received his calling, and seven years since he started preaching at Harmony, the church in the holler below their farm. On Wednesdays he would do a service at the old church up the mountain, but most days were spent with his delegates at Harmony. She loved watching him preach and made a point to never miss a service. Even when she had caught that really bad flu one winter she was there in the front pew, smiling as he spoke the good word. He had begged her to stay home that time, but she grabbed her shawl and hopped in the Bronco before he could get the final word.

But now he’d be coming home in just a few minutes, hungry and tired. She’d have dinner on the table and his smoking pipe filled by his chair waiting for him. They had been married for close to 45 years now and she never failed to have his dinner made for him when he got home from work. She thought about that day he had come by her Papa’s house to pick her up for a date only to tell her they were getting married that afternoon. They had talked about getting married for a while, but he hadn’t actually asked her yet. She was sure he hadn’t asked for Papa’s blessing, but the idea of not marrying him that day was the most horrible thing she’d ever heard of before. She went back inside, put on her white polka dot dress, pinned her hair up and met him on the porch with a smile stretching from ear to ear. Three hours later and she was Mrs. Hendrickson. It still made her tear up a little to think about how happy they had been that day when he dropped her back off at her Papa’s house after the courtroom ceremony.

Those first few years of marriage had been spent in Ohio where her husband was stationed during the war. She had taken the train up to Dayton by herself and was supposed to meet him at the platform when she arrived. Something had gone wrong though, and he never showed up that night. Worried, scared and alone for the first time in her life she had used the little bit of money she had to take a cab to a hotel nearby. The next day she called the base but was unable to reach anyone who could help her. As naive as she was she was just as determined, and after grabbing breakfast she headed out onto the streets to find both the Army base and her husband. After hours of walking, discouragement seeping in,  she saw a familiar face across the street- her husband, normally tan and hansom,  paled with worry and fear. She called out to get his attention, and as she would later tell her children and grandchildren, his face instantly lit up bringing all of his color back. He ran over, hugging her tight, all the while telling how he had spent the night searching for her after she wasn't at the platform when he got there. There had been a mix-up at the base and he got to the train station late. Nine months later and they welcomed their fist child, a beautiful baby boy with raven hair and caramel skin just like his father.

A car door shut outside and she could hear voices coming closer to the house. Tired from her long day and wary bones she waited in the living room for him to come in. As the door opened she cocked her head to the side listening for his telltale whistling, she swore the man never took a step without whistling, but she couldn’t hear anything except for the shrill voice of a woman. He must have brought home one of his parishioners for further tutoring. He stepped around the corner and she stood to give him a giant hug, loving the feel of him in her arms after so many hours without him.

“Oh, Ernest, you’re home!”

“Hey, Mama. How was your day?”

“Much better now. How was your’s?”

“Well the trip wasn’t too bad. Nance and I ran into some traffic in Atlanta, but we still managed to make pretty good time.”

A quizzical look crossed her face. “You were on a trip? Where did you go?”

“I drove up from Florida,” he said, a look matching her own gracing his face.

“Well why were you down there?”

“I live there, Mama. I came up here to visit you. Where did you think I lived?”

Angry that he was trying to trick her she puffed up, “Well here with me of course! Why would you live anywhere else? I’m your wife.”

“Mama… I’m Ernest Jr., remember? And this is Nancy, your granddaughter. Daddy died 20 years ago. I live in Florida with my wife Pauline.”

“Oh… I guess that’s right,” and she could feel her heart breaking.

Her granddaughter Jessica, now 34 instead of the 13 year old she remembered, poked her head out of the back bedroom. “Hey, Uncle Ernest! Hey, Nancy! How was the drive? I put a roast on earlier for you guys. Mamaw insisted we make a big dinner for you. Hope you’re hungry.”

She slowly stood, grabbing the walker that was never more than a few inches from her, and headed to the bedroom she had never shared with her husband but that still contained the bed they bought that first year they were married. Saying she needed to use the bathroom no one followed her. Once the door was shut and the lights turned off she sat on her bed, their bed, and cried the tears she knew would never stop. She was alone, and she couldn’t remember why.

Strung Out

This is my grandmother looking utterly trashed. She normally doesn't look like this, I think she was just caught off guard by my sister who was taking the picture. But either way she looks massively out of it.

Which made me think of this...

That my friends is a picture of me completely out of it. Notice the glazed over eyes. The slight twinkle in the expression saying, "I have to pee." The wavy sweaty hair of a girl that's been standing outside in the Florida heat for way too long. Anyway, to say it bluntly, this is me wasted.

But beyond this, what makes me think of this picture when I see the one above of my dear grandmother? The wrinkles... Look at those crows feet that are starting under my eyes. As stoked as I am on getting puffy veins as I age, I'm equally unstoked on getting wrinkles. FML guys. FML...

And Everything Was OK!

Yesterday was a crazy fuck-up of a day. And though everything turned out OK, it brought back a lot of memories that I preferred to keep tucked away. To put it lightly, hospital waiting rooms just really aren't for me.

Friday night I got a voicemail from my Aunt Starr telling me I needed to call her immediately. As a woman that can never figure out that she is actually talking to a voicemail recording, this short and coherent message was out of the ordinary. Something was wrong. I debated calling her back. I was on my way downtown for a show and I had plans for the weekend. Did I really want the bad news right then, or could it wait? I called... And preceded to sink to the ground on a back road of downtown. (I do not recommend this as I know all too well of the bodily relieving that takes place on the streets of Orlando.)

My uncle had had a heart attack. He was being life flighted to the Orlando hospital. I needed to go see him as soon as possible.

After some research I found out visiting hours are only until 9 in the ICU, there was nothing I could do that night and I wanted to get my mind off of things. I went to the show. The next day I found out he was on bed rest and wasn't allowed to move at all. It was best for me to wait to see him. I kept with my plans I had made months ago and went out of town for a show in Gainesville. I got back late Sunday and had to work until 5:30 on Monday. When I got off I called my cousin to see if I could stop by. "They kick us out from 6 to 8, then we come back for an hour before they kick us out for good. You won't make it in time to see him. Don't worry..."

So I couldn't see him at all. He was scheduled for a double-bypass on Wednesday; this would be the first time I'd get to see him. When I walked into the room that morning I was surprised to see how awake he was. He looked worse for the wear, but he was ready to get on with his surgery. He also was sporting a newly shaved head; something my cousin gifted him in the middle of the night while he was sleeping. After a group prayer it was out to the waiting room.

My uncle went in at 2:30. We finally got to see him at 6:40. He was still asleep and wouldn't wake until the morning. He's connected to too many tubes and a breathing machine. There are only 30 minute increments of visiting time every few hours per day. I won't be seeing him again until he's home.

Truths of Youth

A little off topic, but oh well. Indulge me...

1. When I was younger I wanted to be a fireman, a doctor, a baker. Never a mother or wife.

2. As a kid I liked to cut my own hair, resulting in many tears when I loped off my beautiful golden locks leaving me with a bob.

3. I used to collect rolly-pollies in my pockets every day. Sand was procured as habitat for my pocket pets.
a. My mom was used to finding dead rolly-pollies and a hand full of sand in each of my pants on wash day.

4. My sister’s cat Jasper used to sleep above my head every night. One time he rolled over on my face and almost suffocated me in the middle of the night.

5. I nearly lost my front teeth when I was 4 due to a Yoo-hoo bottle and a car door.

6. Figment, Teddy, and my Fisher-Price kitchen were my favorite toys as a child.
a. I still sleep with Teddy every night. But have since lost both Figment and my Fisher-Price kitchen.

7. I lied about having a chemistry lab in my basement when I was in elementary school. My house didn’t even have a basement, and my “lab” was a chemistry set I got for Christmas.

8. I never got to be the pink Power Ranger, but I usually just wanted to be the yellow one anyways.

9. I watched Saturday morning cartoons far past the point I should have stopped.

10. I got my first “F” in fourth grade during my first day at my new school in Florida. I cried even though it didn’t count towards my grade. The experience scarred me for the rest of my educational career.

11. My school in Kentucky begged my parents to wait two months to move to Florida so I could take the standardized test with my class and bring up the schools score. Yes, the town was small enough one student would make a difference. And yes, I was the smartest person in my class.

12. I would pretend I was Little Orphan Annie in my backyard. I also pretended to be an archeologist.

13. I had a jar of arrow heads my grandpa and I found in the field behind his house.

14. I collected locust husks and played with daddy-long-legs while the other girls collected baubles and played with dolls.

15. My first snow man was built on my grandparent’s porch railing. He was a foot tall.

16. I kept a caterpillar in a coffee can. One day it turned into a giant moth. I thought it was magic.

17. My fear of the dentist started after being yelled at for crying while my front teeth were being pulled.

18. My sister saved a snapping turtle once. It was the devil. She also saved a kitten from being taken into the humane society. It was an angel.

19. I still don’t know what happened to my grandparent’s dog after my grandpa died.

20. I yelled at a fireman for spraying water on my great-grandma’s house during a demonstration at school.

21. I always loved snow days until I got stuck in the house for two weeks with my family during a blizzard.

22. I lost my first tooth to a Sugar-Daddy during lunch. My sister would not let me put it under my pillow, so my teeth got put on top of the living room television.

23. Moving back to Florida made all of my body issues reappear. 5, 10 or 20… Age makes no difference when you can’t see yourself correctly.

24. I liked my mom’s boyfriend when I was 5 better than my dad.

25. I was never as cool as I wanted to be. But I was never as dorky as I thought I was.

Scary X-mas

Today is that grand day that all 6 year olds look forward to every year. They save up all their good behavior in hopes of getting that new basketball hoop they've been hinting at since June. It's Christmas time, and I'm sitting in my Florida room alone and unshowered.

I've lived on my own for 5 years now. In that time my mom has moved to Kentucky, my extended family has stopped celebrating holidays like we did when I was a kid, and I've grown cynical and grumpy about all things Christmas.

When I was a kid my whole family got together. My grandparents would come in from Kentucky around Thanksgiving time and would stay through April. On Christmas day I would wake up as early as my little body would let me. I'd run around the house to wake up my mom and sister. I'd sit right next to the tree so I could pass out all the presents, making sure I always had the last present to open. After all the wrapping paper had been ripped and all the gifts had been played with we would head over to my Aunt Pine's house. The whole family would be there, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... everyone.

We'd spend the day playing games and making dinner. After a huge meal that usually left me sore and tired we'd sit around and sing Christmas carols. My uncles would pull out their guitars and we'd all sing along to their melodies. I'd sing too, but I never quite knew the words. Instead I would sing "lalalalalala" in the tune of whatever song was being strummed. Once I had requested "Silent Night" for the tenth time my Uncles would smile and tell me it was time for presents.

My Papaw would pull out his camera and videotape each and every gift opened. I was always so proud to show off my kitten sweater or costume jewelry. One year I got a bunny rabbit. I didn't even see him sitting there. My family just kept laughing and I didn't know why. I thought I was doing something really stupid. I turned around to hide my face and I saw him. I screamed so loud I think I scared the neighbors. This was one of the first Christmas's without Papaw, I wish he had been there to catch it on his camera. He would have been very pleased to have that caught on tape for eternity.

This was my Christmas as a kid. Family sitting around bonding and loving each other. Now it's me sitting on a couch talking to my roommate's cat. It's friends feeling sorry for me and inviting me over for the day. But spending time with other families just reminds me it's not my family. That I"m missing out on something. That I miss something.

Damn you Orlando! I hate being here on days like this.