Changes

Trees are starting to bloom. It's crazy... It feels like Fall barely began, and Spring is already starting to sneak up. There's not a changing of the seasons in Florida. We have Summer year round, with a few months of weather that dips below 75 which we label Winter. Winter for us means that all of the trees, the grass, the flowers... they've all died. But it still feels slightly hot and humid out. The sky still sparkles in blue.

Fall is my favorite season by far. I love Fall, and always will. But Fall means leaves changing hue. Little kids dressing up to collect candy. Cool weather creeping in making the days crisp. It means bundling up at night to watch the stars while drinking hot chocolate. This kind of stuff just doesn't happen around these parts. Cool weather and that Fall feeling only last about a week. Then everything is dead and depressing except for the palm trees that stick out like sore thumbs with their ever present green. I hate palm trees!

But Spring means everything comes back to life. Spring in Florida is the prettiest time of the year. Everything is green and flowering, but the Summer rains haven't come yet to soak the air and ground. It's still humid, but not that Summer sticky humid that makes it hard to even breathe. The sky is dotted with white puffy clouds and the grass is still soft enough to lay in without a blanket. Birds sing, people light up, and everything just seems happier.

This year however, Spring means something ominous. The blooming of the trees means my birthday is coming up. The first milestone birthday I never wanted to cross. I'll be 25 in a little over a month. That's a big number that meant a lot when I was little.

At 25 I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to be living in New York. I was supposed to be single and loving it. I was supposed to be a size 2 with a nice high ass. I was suppose to go out every night and meet someone new. Then one day I'd run into some cute quiet guy that would pull me out of my single life-style and I'd have a family. (This part would happen when I was about 30. By which point my life would obviously have ended completely.)

Instead, I'll be turning 25 still living in Florida. Still working a quiet office job that I loathe most days. Staying home with the person that is far from quiet, but pretty awesome in her own right. Still not a size 2, and my ass if far from high. I was supposed to be all of these things. I knew I would be. I'm starting to realize though, I might just be mediocre. And these dreams I had at 12 may have just been dreams. A way to escape the life I had at that time.

Who knows... Whatever, I'm taking a blanket out this weekend and watching the clouds roll by while I'm still young.

Support the Troops

I bought my standard two boxes of Girl Scout cookies yesterday; one box samoas, one box thin mints. It's the same every year. Both are favorites, but samoas have a slight edge. I freeze both boxes, snacking throughout the remainder of the year until the next cookie season. I left my cookies at home today thinking I could last 8 hours before finally tearing open one of the boxes to have that first sweet cookie. Then I saw this on TasteSpotting...

That's a plate of homemade samoas. Fuck, I want my cookies so bad right now. I'm tempted to hunt down a small girl in a green jumper and beg that she give me just one cookie. Maybe if I pretend I'm terminally ill she'll feel bad and give me one. Or I could just wait until I get home, but that's so haaarrrrd...

Jacuzzi Boys

Listening all day...

Pet Peeves

The cards never cover the top left hand corner of the screen. I wait every game for the cards to finish flying around, and they never touch that GOD DAMN CORNER!!!

Universe 1, Nina 0

I hate crying. I hate when I cry. I hate when others cry. I even hate when I tear up after a really intense sneeze. Crying is embarassing. Beyond anything else Icould possibly do in front of others, peeing/burping/farting/falling, crying kills my soul every time. If I had a choice I'd eat a live bug if it meant I would never cry in public again.

So far today I've cried 3 times. Each time in front of people. I'm ready for that bug anytime someone wants to bring it over...

I really just want to lay in bed and watch Little Ashes again while eating brownie mix straight from a bowl.

Untitled 2.2.2010

I want to see what is inside of you;
The meats and organs that breath as your flesh.
I want to hold your heart, beating and red.
1, 2, 3, 4... 1, 2, 3, 4... It beats away, this heart.
I want to kiss your veins, your arteries;
The highways of life passing through unnoticed.
I want to listen to your brain,
As it chimes away with unspoken thoughts.

I want to see what has never been seen.
I want to touch what has never been touched.
I want to know... I want to know you.
The real you. The self you hide from the world.

I want to see what is inside of you;
The putrid and rank pieces.
I want to feel your bones clanking.
Their strength carried through your limbs.
I want to suck out your breath;
Sweet and fragrant air of your lungs.
I want to pick out your eyes;
Swooning with the sight of your reality.

I want to see what has never been seen.
I want to touch what has never been touched.
I want to know... I want to know you.
The real you. The self you hide from the world.
I want you, all of you.

Rose colored cheeks.
Eyes the brown of earth.
I want to see what is inside of you.
Let me in...

Little Ashes

Last night, alone and sitting in my room, I did something dirty. Something you don't talk about. Something that, while you're doing it, you listen for sounds of your roommate coming home for fear they will walk in on you. Last night I watched Little Ashes.

As I've stated before, I have quite the crush on the current Hollywood heart throb, Robert Pattinson. It's something that, since I've admitted it, I have been ridiculed for. But for some reason, as much as I am ashamed of this crush, I can't quit it. If he's in a movie, I'll probably watch it.

Thus was the story last night. My girlfriend had a family dinner which meant I'd have some time alone. Time to give in to my little obsession. And you know what? As much as I wanted to hate this movie, and I truly did want to, I just couldn't. Is Robert Pattinson a great actor? No, of course not. But he is mildly more talented than is discernable in the Twilight movies; which by the way I totally love for all their awesome horridness. In Little Ashes you can see his potential poking through. He goes over the top, and looks awful for most of the film thanks to the wigs provided. But then again, he was playing Salvador Dali who was in real life over the top in the extreme.

Beyond all of this though, Little Ashes still could have hit it out of the park for me without even trying. It contained all of my key ingredients in loving a film: it's a period piece, has tortured artists, secret love affairs, fascists, gypsies, heartbreak, death, and of course it's a film about gay characters (which Haley believes is my only requirement).

Was the movie great? So funny you should ask... No, it wasn't. And I can without doubt say that most people would hate it. But despite the choppy timeline, dual masturbation scene, shitty effects and seeing a pudgy R.P. naked, I loved it. I'll probably watch it again next time I'm home alone with no one around to witness and judge me. Just like when I eat a Snicker's ice cream bar while laying in bed reading erotica novels by the light of my book-light so no one knows I'm home.